Our culture often leads us to believe that the best sex is spontaneous sex. After a candlelit dinner, one partner sweeps the other off their feet and away they go to the bedroom for passionate sex. In real life, when it “should” be time for sex, you might be feeling tired after a busy day or bloated after a heavy meal. “But what about the kids, are they awake? And the dog…who fed the dog? What time do I need to be up in the morning for that meeting? Ugh. I’m tired. We’ll have sex tomorrow.” Maybe you also need to take medication or prepare for sex in some way that would disrupt the impromptu flow. While spontaneous sex is great when possible, for many long-term couples it is not realistic. Scheduled sex is good sex. And planning it is sexy!
Have a face to face discussion with your partner to schedule sex. Looking each other in the eye increases your commitment to follow through. While a calendar invite or exchanging a few texts may be easier, the goal is to prioritize connection over convenience. Pick a day and time when you can reduce distractions and focus on each other. Send the kids to grandma’s house and throw the dog a bone (in another room!) to keep him occupied. While quickies are fun too, allow for enough time to prepare and go slowly. Be creative about the time of day that works best for your schedules and your bodies. Maybe you’re a morning person and have the most energy when you first wake up. Have sex before dinner so you’re not fighting against post-meal sleepiness later at night. You are good at balancing various responsibilities in your life. Your physical connection with your partner needs to be high on the list of priorities, so plan for it.
Now that sex is on the calendar, let the foreplay begin! With your partner’s freely-given consent and participation, spend a few days exchanging anticipatory text messages. Decide together what is on the menu for your sex date. Consider refraining from masturbation for a day or two in advance to increase your excitement. When the day comes, make sure you allow yourself enough time to get ready. Take a shower and groom yourself as if it were a first date. Take any needed medications to support your sexual functioning.
When the moment arrives, focus on emotional connection and not on penetration. Keep in mind that being sexual does not require intercourse. Penetration may or may not be pleasurable or possible for you and/or your partner. You started communicating when you were planning, so keep that going and decide together what is going to work for you both in that moment. If it ends up not feeling like the right time to do what you had texted about earlier in the week, don’t succumb to disappointment. Instead, take it as an opportunity to be creative and find something else that will work for both of you. Make out, exchange full-body massages, masturbate side by side, share your fantasies. Get out of your head and into your body. Spontaneity and orgasm are not the measures of good sex. Mutual pleasure and connection are the goals. And yes, you can make planning sexy.